Furniture Guide


If you're planning on buying furniture to furnish your home or office, let the professional furniture experts at THE NeTw0rK help. Or don't. But don't say we didn't warn you.

Safety Note

Furniture is heavy. Only big, strong burly people should attempt to lift or move furniture. That's why you should pay someone to do it for you.

While it may seem expensive to hire a professional moving company, just realize that when you're a crippled old geezer and your insurance company has told you to take a hike, if you had paid just above minimum wage to that moving company that only seems to hire illegal immigrants, it would have been a hell of a lot cheaper than paying $28 for a bottle of Vicodin every week for the past 10 years because of your badly mangled bone structure. That's the kind of pain and suffering that only those "ethnic" folks from Brazil or whatever should have to worry about, not you.

Tip: Capitalism means one can exploit those less fortunate than oneself. Hurray for capitalism!


Furniture terminology can be very confusing to the average layperson. Fortunately, you've got this handy guide to explain all those terms for you. Make sure you read through this table before you make your purchase.
When they say...They REALLY mean...
"European design"Even shoddier
"Made in [a European country]"Shoddy, but you'd never guess that from the price alone
"Modular" ShelvingWon't hold anything over 2 pounds
"For kids"100% particle board with tacky, brightly colored siding
"Modern"Comes with a flimsy CD rack
"Ottoman"Padded coffee table for use in an insane asylum
"Entertainment center"Won't fit anywhere in your house, period.
"Chaise"Half of a sofa, twice the price
"Wicker"Creaks more than your great-grandfather's spine
"Traditional"The same damn furniture you already own
"Some assembly required"Make an appointment with a back specialist beforehand to save time

Tip: Never buy any furniture. Not only is furniture heavy, it's also confusing.

Color theory

It doesn't matter what furniture you buy, how much you pay, or where you shop, there is one thing you can always count on -- nothing you buy will match. That's why THE NeTw0rK's team of furniture professionals recommend that you buy a few cans of black spraypaint and just paint everything you buy black.

Some people argue that black is not a color. To them, we say, "correct." Color is a confusing thing to think about. Leave worrying about color to those artsy-fartsy types; you've got better things to do.

Tip: If you make the mistake of buying furniture, whether it's a desk or a mattress, ask yourself this question first: "Would it look good in black?"


Feng-Shui is the ancient Chinese art of conning people into purchasing uncessesary furniture and overpriced tropical fish. Feng-Shui delivers the promise of enhancing one's life, assuming that one sells furniture and/or fish.

Tip: Anything that seems to be related to mysticism will appeal to yuppie "new-age" types. These people can be easily scammed into buying stuff they do not need, so open a store selling one or more of the following types of items: furniture, fish, aquarium supplies, books, crystals, and incense. Your store will attract yuppie new-agers like flies to a bug zapper.

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