Are you having a child? Read THE NeTw0rK's handy tips for caring for your baby.


  Get the paint in your baby's room tested to make sure it contains lead. Not only does lead paint taste great, it provides important minerals your child will need.

  Within the first year, your baby may learn to say a few basic words. If your child does not, shove a walkie-talkie up his or her ass while your spouse hides in the bathroom and speaks for the baby so your friends and relatives don't realize that your child is an idiot.

  Many babies cry a lot. If yours does this, take it back to the hospital for a full refund.

  Babies often crap their pants. Break them of this disgusting habit by not changing their pants for them. After all, there is no better way to teach babies to use the toilet than by letting them swim in their own rotting feces.

  Don't feed your child baby food. Instead, chew up worms from your garden and spit them into your baby's mouth. This works for birds, and they're so cute, aren't they?

  It may take some time for your child to learn how to walk. Help your child along by tying a rope around his or her chest and tugging on it.

  Many experts recommend locking cabinets that contain household poisons. This is bad advice. If the little bunger is dumb enough to eat foul smelling rat poison or detergent, then your baby deserves to die. It's called "natural selection."

  Remember: you can't take your baby to a fancy restaurant or movie theater when you go out for the night with your spouse. Hiring a baby sitter can be expensive, so just throw your baby in the closet. It's free and your baby won't bother anyone in there.