NeTw0rK News


Racial minorities demand equality

"We demand opposable thumbs!" say spotted owls

Humans protest in favor of racial minorities WASHINGTON DC (NeTw0rK) -- A protest at the capitol began today with a march up to capitol hill. Picketers were demanding total racial equality among all races.

"From alligators to sea turtles, all races are created equal," said one protester in an interview. "Just because I was born human doesn't give me the right to deprive other races of their rights!"

As the racial minorities themselves did not have the ability to speak, make signs, or otherwise hold rallies effectively, humans had to do much of the protesting. This marks a change from previous methods of animal protest, which included leaving feces in or on human possessions, eating food belonging to humans, and knocking over garbage cans near human habitats.

The most represented racial minority today was the spotted owl. Truly a minority, the spotted owl population is down to only a few thousand due to clear-cutting of old growth forests. The owls had two clear demands: more forest space to live in, and opposable thumbs.

A spotted owl in his natural habitat Citing such examples as heart surgery, holding weapons, and building machinery, the groups protesting in favor of thumbs for spotted owls made a clear case to onlookers that only with an opposable thumbs could spotted owls hope to have equality in our society.

But not all onlookers were convinced.

"Where are they planning on getting these thumbs?" said one man, who asked not to be identified. "I mean, if they're taking my thumbs, forget it! But if they're just going to make new thumbs for the owls, I guess that's all right with me."

Other racial minorities represented at the protest include:
  • Sea Turtles: right to social security benefits
  • Bald Eagle: right to privacy, right to consume alcoholic beverages
  • Texas blind Salamander: demand proper vision
  • Ocelot: first amendment religious rights and right to freedom of assembly
  • Mexican long-nosed Bat: demand motor vehicle privileges

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