California bans conservatives from bars and restaurants

"Conservative-only" sections to be removed from eateries

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA (NeTw0rK) -- As of January 1st, 2003, conservatives will no longer be permitted inside California's bars, restaurants, and cafes, according to California Governor Gray Davis.

"California residents will no longer have to sit near conservatives while dining," said Davis. "The seating that was formerly roped off for conservatives will soon be available to those who may choose to order a side of fries or even an appetizer or two. We believe this long overdue change will enhance the dining experience for restaurateurs, waitpersons, and patrons."

The California Waiter's Association was pleased to hear the news.

"Waiters and waitresses across the state will no longer have to respond to old, white men with sexist and racists attitudes," said spokeswoman Mandy Hersh. "Now we can concentrate on the customers that we really care about."

Many wait-people have similar attitudes about the new law.

"At our restaurant," says former Denny's waiter Alex Sanderson, "we always stuck the new guy in the Conservative section. It wasn't very nice, but the rest of us really needed money from tips. Those conservatives never tipped more than two dollars, even if they came with their extended families. And let's not even talk about how they always tipped on the after-coupon total. It was slavery in that section, it really was."

In more liberal areas, the new law may not change anything -- or at least Berkeley restaurateur Fran Mills doesn't think so.

Mills' restaurant, "Pan-Fresh" may not look like a liberal establishment from the outside, but that doesn't mean that many Bush-supporters walk in.

"We only get one or two conservatives in my restaurant once or twice a month," says Mills, "but they never stay once they see our all organic, all vegan menu." Mills added, "But the fair-trade coffee establishment down the street seems to scare those penny-pinchers the most."

Some restaurant-goers are excited about the news, but many we interviewed had concerns as well.

One San Francisco resident says, "I don't know what my dad's going to do without his favorite diner. I hope he doesn't start coming to my place for lunch. My wife will go nuts with him around. My dad's a nice guy and all, but don't get him started on abortion. For that matter, don't mention Darwin while he's around either."

A woman from L.A. was concerned for a different reason.

"It's great that they're kicking [conservatives] out, but I hope they clean all the wig powder off the floor and the denture adhesive off the tables before they open up the old 'conservative' areas to everyone else."