Marijuana a gateway drug according to new research

"It's, like, a gateway to a new dimension," says medical researcher

BOSTON (NeTw0rK) -- For many decades, the United States Drug Enforcement Association (DEA) has held that marijuana is a "gateway" drug. In recent times, scientists have challenged this view, citing a lack of evidence and blaming the alleged misconception on poor research in the past.

New research conducted last week, however, backs up the government organization's claim. Self-titled medical researcher Michael Pierce conducted a week long study of the gateway effect of marijuana with several of his peers.

"It's like, a gateway to a new dimension," Pierce told us, before erupting into a laughing and coughing fit.

According to Pierce's independently-funded research, the gateway effect was experienced by him and all five members of his group. Pierce spearheaded the study and was the primary author of the findings, which he submitted to peer journal LiveJournal.com after extensive review.

"The hardest part was checking the spelling," said Pierce. "I wanted to make sure I had all the words right and everything, but, like, I just wanted to listen to the Tangerine Dream album one of my friends brought over and trip out. So I must have sat there for like an hour and just stared at the screen before I hit the submit button."

When asked for specifics, Pierce told us that the gateway effect "essentially took [me] into a new dimension, where the astral plane could co-exist with both my imagination, and, like, normal reality." Pierce described this effect as "totally heavy, dude," but declined to explain the meaning behind his cryptic statement, citing the potential for a "bad trip" if he thought about it too much.

Medical researcher June DeMaggio of nearby Harvard Medical School described the results of Pierce's study as "helpful, but not ultimately meaningful until we can replicate the study in our own lab."

"We're just going to have to get some marijuana and try to duplicate the results ourselves, on a much larger scale," said DeMaggio. "What we're going to need are donations for marijuana, pipes, Pink Floyd albums, and most importantly large bags of chips and other snack foods. I think Pierce's pioneering work was a great start, but there's a long road ahead and it's going to be slow."